What the future holds

A few thoughts today that I will share. Everyone knows this, but it's hitting home more and more these days.... You NEVER know what the future holds. You can think that you're on one path and then something happens and it all changes. Many of you know that Heath Ledger died yesterday. I was not a huge fan, but I appreciated many of his performances and honestly thought the was finally coming in to his own. It's sad and honestly, I never thought we'd be reading the news about his passing. It's a waste of talent and I hope he and his family find peace.

There has been a few of these moments that make me reflective today. First, a woman at work lost her son a few weeks ago. He took his own life. It was unexpected (as they all are). Not something you expect from a popular high school student. She was in the UK at the time for our company. From the outside looking in, you can't help but think about yourself in that position. I look at Hayden and wonder what his future will hold and pray that this is not something he considers. Once you have a child, you walk around looking at the world through different eyes - your child's. You look at death (your own and others) in such a different way. Finally with the death of Heath and then Robert and I watched something on Frontline about Internet and kids, my heart is heavy today. Frontline featured the "MySpace" deaths and how kids are changing due to the amount of technology in their daily lives. I said to Robert, we can only try our best to raise our children right, hope they make good, strong decisions and become good people. All we can do is send them in to the world hope for the best. The world is a scary place, especially when you watch TV and the world's horrors are displayed at a daunting pace. Then you can't help but wonder is the world really getting that bad or am I just getting older? Think about each generation before us? Rock and Roll, Drugs and the 70s, COPS and "girls gone wild" and finally the publicity of the Internet. Is it really taking a social and moral turn for the worst or is just the medium changing?

Pictorial Time Line

This week at work, we all moved cubes/offices. We have hired so many people that our huge building is feeling the bulge of everyone. I was three people to an office and now I'm back in a single cube. I thought I would miss my big window overlooking our soccer stadium, but I still have a window (over my bland cube walls) and my own space. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I'm loving my new cube. No one loves cubes, but there is something about having your own space. I have placed some pictures around my cube of places, people and things. I looked at them this morning and realized it is almost a pictorial time line of my life. There is a picture of Teresa and I a few years ago in Michigan (I had just started dating Robert), Kudzu as a puppy (and I am only wearing my engagement ring, which means Robert and I weren't married yet), some pictures of Charleston, and pictures of Hayden. How life can change so dramatically in only a few years. Such a great and fun life I've lead.

I booked my tickets yesterday to go to California for a conference. I am having mixed feelings on this. I am thrilled to be going back to my old stomping ground (for free might I add), seeing my dear friend Jody and her beautiful family, but I know I will be so sad to leave Hayden and Robert. It will be 5 whole days with out them (and my first time with out Hayden). I already have bouts of depression when I think about it. I know that it will be good for us all, but I am scared to leave them. I know they'll be fine, but it's just one of those things. It amazing how your life changes.

Things in our world (or in my mind) have been a little odd lately. Feeling a little off kilter and can't pin why. I think everyone goes through this, I feel like I am going through the motions, but not quite there. Maybe lack of sleep, maybe just being winter time, maybe lack of contact with any friends, I don't know. I hope the funk lifts from my soul and our house soon.

Enjoy your week and do something fun!

6 Month Babble

Well, Hayden is trying to talk yet again. His babbles are getting more creative, with little raspberries and other noises in the conversation. He always makes me laugh, except right now as he fights sleep. Like father like son.

Alleluia!

So, Hayden slept through the night last night. I'm talking non-stop from 8pm until I woke him up this morning. Which means I got a total of 7 hours non-stop sleep. WHoo hooo! Usually, he wakes up 2-3 times a night and I have to go in and pull him from the boards of his crib or just put his pacifier in. It never proves to be a restful night for any of us. When my alarm went off at 5, I woke up and thought, "I never got up last night....oh no, I hope he's ok". I ran to his room to hear him snoring away. I then laid back down in bed hoping I could fall back asleep, but no luck. I think it was a fluke and don't expect it to happen again until he's in high school. I kick myself though, if I knew he was going to do that, I would have gone to be earlier. The way it always goes right? The funny part is though I got 7 hours of solid sleep, I'm still exhausted, how is that?

Happy Birthday to my dearest friend Teresa. I hope you have a great birthday today and that you enjoy your girls weekend in GR. I know you'll have many smiles and laughter and I hope they continue through the next year. Love you!

Lovely Laughter

Well, in a few days, Hayden will be 6 months old. I'm not sure where the time has gone, but it's passing by too quickly. He's doing so well and growing by the minute. He's laughing and smiling constantly, which can make you smile on your darkest day. I went to his daycare today at lunch to visit him, which I do on most days. I appreciate those moments the most. He is always glad to see him and always happy to just look at me like I'm a long lost friend he has to study to never forget each feature. This makes you feel so amazing and so loved. How a 6 month old can do that to you with just his eyes, I'll never know. It's too bad we lose that as we get older.

Today I looked at him as I walked out the door and couldn't help but wonder, could I be a stay-at-home-mom? If I was, would I cherish each moment, or would it just become my job that I do because I have to? Would I really miss out on things at work or extra income or am I really missing out on watching my child grow and change? It's often a big struggle in our family as I am sure in most. It's not something that I take lightly either way. I think every working mother struggled with the guilt of leaving her child in order to go to work. I think you have to do what works for your family and just go through it. I miss him all the time and wish I could be home with him. Then I think of the day-in-day-out of a stay-at-home-mom and wonder if I could do that without feeling like I've lost a sense of myself. If I'd really be doing the best for him and for us. There are so many factors so many variables to consider. For now, I will remain at work and forever wonder if I'm doing the right thing. If you are now, or have, struggled with this, you know how I am feeling. Enjoy your day, cherish family moments and hope God will provide the right answer for you as I am.

Into The Wild..

Book & Music Review. I just got done reading Into The Wild by Jon Krakauer. It was really good and well written. They've just made a movie about it directed by Sean Penn, which I am DYING to see. Until then, I recommend the book, however it made me have strange dreams. It was a quick read that I couldn't put down. I highly recommend it. The music review is for the soundtrack for the movie. Typcially, I don't like soundtracks, but this one is songs by Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. He is playing all the instruments and I think a majority of the songs he wrote himself. I bought the entire CD, which is another rare thing for me. I love it and highly recommend you at least give it a listen to see how Vedders voice has stayed the same, but his age has brought him depth. Enjoy.

Happy New Year!

Well, the holidays are over and now we're in 2008. I have no idea where the time went! Our Christmas was good and nice to be surrounded by family. My parents were here for a week and it was nice to see them. They loved Hayden and were amazed at how far he's come from the last time they saw him. It was nice for Robert and I too. We actually went out twice without the baby. We went to dinner twice and saw a movie too! It was a good time for us to reconnect and have a breather. Six solid months without time alone, will wear on anyone.

Hayden is growing more every day. He's now sitting up almost on his own, teething and trying to stand. When you get him to stand up, he tries to jump up and down. All boy! It's a lot of fun and we're enjoying him very much.

I'm still driving my 2-door Honda. I love it and can't part with it yet. It's not easy getting Hayden in and out of the backseat, but when you don't know any other way, you just do it. I rolled over 100,000 yesterday and I smiled. A lot of great miles experienced in that car and I'll be sad to trade it in some day for a mini van. Oh now life changes.

I'm looking forward to this New Year. My friend Teresa is coming down in February for a long weekend with her new boyfriend. I'm looking forward to spending time with her and meeting the new guy. I'm heading to California for a week in February for a conference. I'm looking forward to the conference and getting back to my old stomping ground. It will be extremely hard to leave my boys, but I think it will be a great experience. Robert is nervous about keeping Hayden by himself, but I know he will do fine. Also, this year I am looking forward to watching Hayden grow more, go to the beach (and be able to drink a beer on the beach) and just enjoy my family. I wish you all health and happiness this year. I look forward to seeing you all very soon.